# In descending… or ‘ascending’ order – depending on ye olde perspective?
Joanne Harris: Kindly linked to my website, WWW.QUIRKYCLAUS.COM, after I met this best-selling author – at the annual Ilkely Literary Festival, despite the fact that the staff there objected profusely, that the likes of mere me – would have the audacity to even ask to speak to her! Anyone would think… that I had proposed kidnapping the queens corgis (notice not a capital there please, cos I aint no royalist – bring back the Roundheads! ) ‘and’ consequently intended entering these – pampered pooches: in the ‘ten past four chase’ – down at the local greyhound track! Was only but a few years – mind, before she finally realised what a total… No, apparently… she could not keep up with the numerous requests for links from other aspiring authors, although of course – may I add, of no doubt… a ‘far’ less deserving calibre.
Well, ‘I’ for one believe her – dammit! Jests aside… it twas indeed a gesture, which I greatly appreciated!
Brian Cox: Twas him – for sure! I think I may have been in Ireland… a tad too long at this stage when I uttered these poignant words!
Nevertheless, I encountered Mr Cox in a sandwich shop in Leeds… this ‘light years’ before… he presented the ‘Wonders of the Universe’ series, and was however just a mere twinkling nova – in some hinterland of a constellation. Indeed he was unbeknownst, but to a few fellow nerds, and geeks… sorry: visionaries, astrophysicists, and eminent star gazers; such as me good self – of course!
Alan Bennet: I did see this author of – apparently… many a noted piece , in a bookshop, once again at the Ilkley Lit festival! This was while – I myself, was attempting to push my own title… on the likes of any unwitting punters, victims, no – that’s even worse… sorry “customers!”
Dom Joly: Stole one of my, sorry, there’s me again – begorra… ‘was kind enough to partake of’ – one of my books at the very same festival, on the pretence it seems… that not only would his children be interested in the story, but he would endeavour to do more, and for myself – to achieve the status of: Preeminent Literary Genius or Galactic Overlord… well one or tother! More on this later…
Nonetheless, this was after after Mr Joly… concluded his own speech on his – at the time, newly released title… Letters to my Golf Club I had stood up and touted my own book in a questions and answers session: Quirky Claus, ‘hopefully’ but exceptionally – doubtfully… at the expense of the promotion of his own title; nevertheless this was in front of ‘300’ or more people – oh the outrageous audacity. Notwithstanding this, he did profusely expound… in as many words, ‘he may be able to do something with the book’ but I never heard a sausage… indeed to coin a phrase, in fact – flamin’ bugger all! No bitterness there whatsoever… honest!
Dick & Dom of…’In the Bungalow’ fame: I spoke to this gruesome twosome – on Radio One, when they sat in for an absent DJ, and presented the BBC breakfast show! I say spoke to, they actually – cut me off… when I happened to arguably brazenly – in the midst of the quiz they were hosting, tried to promote my book.
*One must… forever endeavour, and heroically tally forth… regardless! Unfortunately, at times – however, I have to confess it feels more reminiscent of the: Charge of the Light Brigade!
Phil Jupitus: Took some of my work at the Edinburgh Festival and promised to get back to me… he hasn’t – turnip that he is!!! Anyway, I have to confess… I always thought he was called Phil Jupiter, as in the planet – on account of his proportions; sorry I better retract that, as I met him, again, but a few days ago, ‘and’ he has considerably slimmed down, since the days he was the burly jester we saw… some years ago! Ok… on account of his huge comical person, and vast plethora of resources?
Anyhow… evidently I was somewhat wrong, and true to tradition… he hasn’t returned – since… nutmeg that he is… sorry! Or perhaps it is a case, that you would have more chance of actually visiting the planet Jupiter on a Roman Candle, than for his namesake – to ever return to you? Ooooh hark… let us relent the fickle shallow façade, which is indeed at times… ‘celebrity!’
~ Sure it isn’t really the case… and the blokes gotta sense of humour – after all!
Please don’t sue me…?
Iain M Banks: Also partook of some of my work, withal I had the impression he did not really want to in reality! Relentlessly beat the buggers down, that’s tis my motto… they’re gonna have to relent at some point.
Vinny Jones: Once called me a F****** C***… This was in the 80’s when the t*ss*r… sorry – ‘footballer’ played for Leeds United – apparently, and yes they were in the top division; ooooh ‘so’ long ago! At the time, I was doing a celeb fundraising gig for Greenpeace, and I was in the VIP lounge in the then premier nightclub in Leeds Mr Craig’s… no less; I know you’ve never heard of it… oh the fleeting fickle transitory nature of – fame. I digress; but well not knowing who the hell he actually was… even though there were more than half a dozen gals jumping around him – akin to something resembling a demented bevy of: jackin’ the boxes… proclaiming his name repeatedly – in high pitched oestrogen drenched screams, to all and sundry! No doubt with the hope of having the illustrious opportunity of sleeping with him. Oh indeed… how far feminism has progressed, and to think: it was just over a 100 years ago ‘when’ the Suffragettes won the right for women to have their vote!” Often enduring being imprisoned, force-fed, and many dying in the process.
Something tells me – this is not exactly what they had in mind!
*In any case… will someone please elaborate further, as to what it is exactly with: two dozen men – kicking a spherical object around, a large rectangular shaped piece of grass – for a mind numbing, and get this: one and a half hours… that this is so ruddy appealing? Personally, I’d rather claw me eyes out… with a blunt teaspoon!
The British Canoeing Team: I travelled around Europe – with these guys at the age of “7,” and yes… I was that good! No, I confess, it was the fact that – me mum actually did the catering for them, and I just hung along for the ride… or rather swim. Unfortunately, as I stated misguidedly in a school report, “She did favours for them.” All jests aside, this was undoubtedly one of the best, if not the best experience of me humble crumble apple pie – life.
Nonetheless – I can categorically state the British canoeing team, who proudly stood for Great Britain, were – without doubt actually – certifiably craaaazy, and not so much stoically represented our country – with dignity, but availed themselves of absolutely ever opportunity proffered… to embarrass our little green island to their full potential! After all, this is what being British is really all about… is it not – people of this great isle? Tea, and crumpets… Vicar?
In this time, we travelled to both: Austria and Germany; won a heap of medals, and every time – one of the Brits were in the latter country… they would hurl themselves with berserk unfettered enthusiasm, from the winning podium – into the thrashing waters of the course below, with no life jacket speak of, despite the fact, that I had heard people had actually died in these tumultuous waters. Yes, it was fair to say, that the British had something of a reputation. Not to mention that I actually persuaded me on one occasion, to jump in as they swam or rather flowed fast – at speed, past me, at an age when I had the swimming abilities of a brick; I did have a life jacket, but still managed to genuinely – nearly drowned! This is what happens when you have the aquatic constitution of a – brick!
*Can I say to the team: if you are still – out there chaps… “Biggles on!” They will know precisely what I mean… on the other hand, I’m not entirely sure – I do? Let me elaborate… the team used to do this thing where they would mimic flying goggles on their eyes with their hands inverted. For instance they were in German cafeteria – one time, and someone shouted “Biggles on!” and everybody had to do this – as many of the team were walking back to their tables with laden trays – there was a much a loud clattering of crockery and cutlery, and more than a few bemused looks from the Germans. Biggles of course… refers to the flying ace from ye olden times – I happened to read one of his books… not one of ‘his’ actual books you understand – as he was purely a fictional character; however he would embark on many a high-adventure, fighting countless cunning villains, Nazi’s, and not forgetting a number of barbaric primitive tribesmen (I said it was fun, not particularly – politically correct… give me a break, why don’t you?) as I recall, these adventures were set anywhere, from the ‘darkest depths Africa…’ to the vast impenetrable undiscovered – forests of the ‘Amazonian Basin.’ He was of a distinctly Indiana Jones style – persuasion, but with wings!
Rowan Atkinson: Nonetheless, I am also distantly related to none other than Mr Black Adder himself – apparently. But then again, what is that philsophy of 6 degrees of separation? A large proportion of us are probably distantly related to Ghenkis Khan and Hitler… that’s not sommat I’m particular going to boast of, and practice my goose stepping down the drive, if this were the case! Nevertheless, I know our royal family have supposedly German routes, but I do not see anyone shouting that evident fact from the rooftops. Did you know, in our recent history – just a couple of hundred thousand years ago; that the the human population collapsed to just a mere 2000 or so? We very nearly became extinct! So in actuality we are all related relatively closely – to everybody else, on this little blue ball of rock, we apparently call Earth! Something to indeed – ponder upon…
All, I know is… for a few years – they kept on turning up at every family wedding, like talentless apparitions heralding from the ‘Northern Cabaret Circuit,’ only jesting chaps! This was back in the 70/80’s as I recall, for whatever reason there seemed to be a preponderous glut of them – around this period… without doubt top calibre entertainment! Yep indeed, it’ll never get much better than those there – Grumbleweeds… ye all!
Dusty Bin: My grandpop’s used to actually know the person who made this contraption… sorry – persona. You know as in the gameshow “321″ fame, with Ted Rogers? How the ‘ell did he do that thing with his fingers, and his best friend bein’ a bin an’ all? Not just one of your regular “run of the mill” variety either – I’ll ‘ave you know, but a decidedly dusty one at that! Some people indeed… have all the luck.
The Wonder Stuff: In the Dry Dock tavern in Leeds, I had a game of pool with a member of the 90’s band, well I say play… with the band, it was actually in particular – for some unfathomable reason a ‘dwarf’ whom they had supporting them, whilst one of the regular-sized members of the band – watched on bemused. The embarrassing fact was, while this chap, of a vertically challenged disposition, even though essentially – he could barely reach the table, he still beat the beejezus out of me! Evidently, I did not present a sufficient enough of a ‘competitive challenge’ in the beating of this little midget… (obviously no sore feelings, whatsoever) In fact it is fair enough to say, that ‘I’ did not pose the prospect in the slightest for potentially – building up his problems: To The size of a cow!!!”
Kelly Brook: Oh, and not forgetting… there was that time – I astral projected, and had a twilight illicit liason with this rather adorable female siren! Notwithstanding this fact, I still maintain, when she was on The Big Breakfast Kelly – was ‘the’ best female presenter ever, despite, I believe criticisms to the contrary… no genuinely!
I have to confess in actuality – the affair was actually so very illicit, that she remains entirely unaware of it… right to this very day! So I wouldn’t go reminding her? Oh… the turbulent unfathomable, and tempestuous waters of – true love! I wonder if she’s still got that ‘George Formby Teaches Banjo in Six Easy Lessons…’ cassette – we swapped, for her copy of – ‘Rolf Harris Tutors the… Kazoo, and Didjeridu?’
Actually, in retrospect, if you do see her… would you ask Ms Brook if I could – after all… “have it back please?” This… and the snake charming pipe, which I would ‘tootle,’ many a merry tune upon, while donning my rather fetching – pink tutu… as I serenaded this delicious: siren of wanton delight?
Oh the fun we would have, in my somewhat: vivid, borderline-obsessive, and certainly –