Twitter and FaceBook… Why?
Hello peeps, and my mild mannered blue friends of the Smurfling Land…
You know who you are!!!
Recently, I - for my sins… the sacrifices we have to make for the sake of our penmanship and promotion, yes I did it – no not murder – an only admittedly a slightly less misdemeanour - invested myself in Facebook and Twitter, but I struggle greatly to see the appeal! On Facebook, you seem to get bombarded with other people messages, which at times verge on the on your own page, which are often at times – I gotta say, about
Nevertheless, it sticks in the proverbial claw to be frank…
So, I have engaged in Facebook and Twitter with the intention of promoting expounding the merits of my own work… Yet so far, I have barely any contacts on Facebook, and one singular follower on twitter who is some robo-bot “spam” babe in a bikini! If I weren’t vegetarian I’d have frankly preferred to have been followed by said tin of spam – at least it has some utilisation!
So these sites to me, just seem to be about sado’s hoping to speak to someone famous… God knows I tried with Simon Pegg and would you believe it, he still wont sleep with me!!!
Some Embarrassingly Pitiful, and Some Perhaps, “Just” Maybe Not so Spurious… Claims to Fame:
In descending or ascending order depending on ye olde perspective…
Joanne Harris, she kindly linked to my site at the Ilkely Literary Festival – despite the fact that the staff there objected profusely, that mere me - would have the audacity to even ask to speak to her! Anyone would think that I had suggested kidnapping the queens corgis (notice not a capital there please, cos I aint no royalist – bring back the Roundheads!) and entering them down at the local greyhound track, in the ten past four chase. Was only for a short period mind, before she finally realised I was a total… No, she could not keep up with the requests for links apparently. Well, I for one believe her – dammit!!!
Brian Cox, twas sure it was him – in a sandwich shop in Leeds (Yawn – even boring meself now, mentioned this before in another post…)
I did see Alan Bennet in a bookshop once in Ilkley - but then again, I happened to dream of the other night – that comedian who host’s Pointless and does the bank adverts where he plays the eccentric fruitcake, … does that count?
Dom Joly – took one of my books at the Lit Fest after I stood up and pushed my story, hopefully but doubtfully… at the expense of his in front of 300 or so people. Notwithstanding this, he did profuse to say, he may be able to do something with it… never heard nowt! No bitterness there whatsoever – honest!
Dick & Dom – spoke to them on Radio One when they presented the breakfast show! I say spoke to, they cut me off, when I tried to promote my book in the middle of quiz they were doing. Bugger!!!
Phil Jupitus – took some of my work at the Edinburgh Festival and promised to get back to me… he hasn’t – turnip that he is!!! Anyway, I have to confess I always thought he was called Phil Jupiter, as in the planet, in part due to his proportions. Evidently I was somewhat wrong…
Iain M Banks took some of me work, withal I had the impression he did not really want to in reality… Beat the buggers down, that’s tis what I say!!!
Vinny Jones once called me a F****** C***… This was in the 80′s when the t*** played for Leeds United apparently – and yes they were in the top division; oh so long ago! I was doing a celeb fundraising gig for Greenpeace and I was in the VIP lounge in the premier nightclub in Leeds Mr Craig’s. And well not knowing who he was, even though there were more than half a dozen gals jumping around him, like demented jackin’ the boxes… proclaiming his name in their most elevated vocals, no doubt with the hope of having the illustrious opportunity of sleeping with him – oh how far feminism has advanced! Anyhow, you know - two dozen men, kicking a spherical object around a large rectangular shaped piece of grass – for one and a half hours… I’d rather claw me eyes out with a blunt teaspoon.
I met Jimmy Saville – genius and odd ball - all in one most glorious combination during in a leisurely walk at Roundhay Park…
I travelled around Europe with the British Canoeing Team at the age of 7… yes I was that good! No, me mum actually did the catering for them, as I stated misguidedly in a school report, “she did favours for them.” (Should that be a capital S, in the speech quote peeps?) All jests aside, this was undoubtedly one of the best, if not the best experience of me humble crumble, apple pie - life. The guys were crazy, we travelled to both Austria and Germany; won a heap of medals and every time one of the Brits would win in the latter country, they would hurl themselves from the podium into the thrashing waters of the course below, with no life jacket speak of, despite the fact, that I had heard people had died in these waters. None of theYes, I think it is fair to say, tried jumping in at this age, I had a life jacket and still quite genuinely nearly drowned!
*Can I say to the team, if you are still out there “Biggles on!” They will know precisely what I mean… on the other hand, I’m not entirely sure I know what I mean: the team used to do this thing where they would mimic goggles on their eyes with their hands inverted. For instance they were in German restaurant one time, and someone shouted “Biggles on!” and everybody had to do this, consequently one of the team dropped his plate mimicking the pose, having just heaped this with a substantial and not inexpensive meal… crockery and food were scattered everywhere. This refers to the flying ace from ye olden times - of course http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biggles, I happened to read one of his books… not one of his books you understand- as he was purely a fictional character, but he would embark on many a high-adventure, fighting countless cunning villians and not perhaps not so much so – tribesmen… as I recall in remote Africa or the darkest depths of the Amazonian basin. He was of a distinctly Indiana Jones persuasion but with wings.
Nonetheless, I am also distantly related to Rowan Atkinson – apparently. But then again, what is that philsophy of 6 degrees of difference? A large proportion of us are probably distantly related to Ghenkis Khan and Hitler… I know our royal family have supposedly German routes, but I do not see anyone shouting that evident fact from the rooftops. Did you know, in our recent history - just a couple of hundred thousand years ago; that the the human population collapsed to just a mere 2000 or so? We very nearly became extinct! So in actuality we are all related relatively closely to everybody else on this little ball of rock, we apparently call Earth…
I am somehow related to the Grumble Weeds – that 70′s comedy music group… do not ask me how, I just know for a few years they kept on turning up at family weddings when there was glut of them around that period and the 80′s… It don’t get much better than that!
My grandpop’s used to actually know the person who made Dusty Bin, you know as in the gameshow “321″ fame, with Ted Rogers? How the ‘ell did he do that thing with his fingers, and his best friend bein’ a bin and all - not just one of your regular “run of the mill” variety either- I’ll ‘ave you know, but a decidedly dusty one at that! Some people have all the luck…
In the Dry Dock tavern in Leeds, I had a game of pool with a member of 90′s band the Wonder Stuff, well I say play… with the band, it was actually in particular for some unfathomable reason a dwarf they had supporting them, whilst one of the members watched on bemused. The embarrassing fact was, while this chap of vertically challenged stature could barely reach the table he still beat the beejesus out of me! I certainly did not Build up his problems to the size of a cow!!!
Oh, and not forgetting - that time I astral projected, and had a twilight illicit liason with Kelly Brook, before she was hooked up of course – best female presenter ever on the Big Breakfast despite I believe criticisms to the contrary – no genuinely! Hmmm, nonetheless, does the term: clutching desperately at straws, tone a considerably sized bell in a small room?
Sexual “Un” – Equality…
Do women actually “genuinely” believe in sexual equality even to the slightest degree?
A few years ago, I published this book WWW.QUIRKYCLAUS.COM this took nearly 4 years in production but instead of hopefully experiencing a welcome and warm response from women, exemplifying a man who is comfortable enough to be in touch with his inner child, I contrarily experienced extremely disappointingly - much discrimination in particular from women.
For instance, I was thrown out and dismissed from two bars in this period, when I simply tried to speak to a couple of staff about the illustrations I was compiling and the layout of the book; friendly enquiries with no ill intent but instead I was viewed as a potential peodophile. By the way, most incidences of peodophile and real emotional and physically abuse, four out of five in fact are the result of a family member or someone the victim knows! In fact I would say the number who are male children’s authors is… well I’d imagine a hell of a lot less than that, in fact as far as I know there are not any or the number to be neglible! It would make for a peculiarly lengthy process of criminal intent for anyone to spend 4 years on a book with this in mind. But even on the simplest level, this is based on sexual discrimination, that all men are potentially sexual deviants it seems. I would have thought that in the 21 century that people are aware that, and the case with certain female nursery teachers in recent news reports , that women are just as likely or nearly as, to be guilty of these crimes. Nevertheless, a person should - man or woman be judged on the content of their character, not by their gender.
Worse, I recently experienced bullying again, by primarily women in the crescent I live in; it clearly makes them nervous when they do not know which category to stick you in. Also, it has been implied that there is something amiss with me, writing a children’s book in the first place. This culminated in in this recent incident with these women dashing back and forth amongst each other, indulging in further lies and idle gossip – they were tactics and behaviour I would have thought disgraceful in the playground, never mind demonstrated by women in their 30′s in some instances and others who were mothers! Since then these women have repeatedly lied, threatened to call the police and rung my landlord, who states now that he is to end my tenancy; when I have no family and no where else to go.
This is not the first time this has happened either - I could proffer countless incidents, but it usually comes back to the same thing, that too many women if you are not fitting into their neat little boxes, and you are not giving them or behaving as they wish you to do…
My point is, what a sad state of affairs we live in, I suspect I would have far fewer problems and issues with women, if I was a lager swilling, football crazed, car and sex obsessed layabout, who was potentially physically and emotionally derogatory to women. I am over-generalizing of course, and I am not about to fall into a similar mistake and imply that all men are like that. But it certainly does seem the less I thought of life and women, the more sense of wrongly placed respect I would get from many.
Disturbingly also, a few years ago, when I was considering submitting my book to a children’s panel for review, the large proportion of these, if not the vast majority were young girls. Are we as a society interested in the interllectual pursuits of our girls more than our boys? This is not to mention, that disgracefully some publishers will only accept work from women. Then there is the Orange Book Prize, which can only be entered by women. Again, from my experience women get a lot more help and receive far less discrimination that men!
A few years ago, I saw Germaine Greer, someone I had very much admired - on a talk show, speaking with fathers who wished to see their children but on the whole, their estranged partners were unfairly keeping them away and denying access. However, instead of demonstrating sympathy with these fathers she behaved like a petulant child and used phrases such as and similar to, “Well you know what it is like now!” “Women have had to put up with this sort of abuse for years!” This is absolutely ridiculous, I thought genuine sexual equality was about men and women treating other fairly and equally not one-upmanship, excuse the pun?
I believe a person should be their own person but too often society expects you to conform and be part of a couple, and women most of the time seem to regard you as less if you are not…or are resentful of you I feel because they think you should be. It seems distinctly unnerve many, that you can be happy by yourself without their attention, because in being so, you are saying they also are, and are perhaps asking more of them, than they actually do themselves!
I am 40 years old, but as a teenager and even before then, I believed at this stage that women would be either making as much a move to get a man… and positively being proactive in what is after all, if not the most important area of life – certainly one of the most imperative areas that make up the complicated tapestry of life; not that things conversely would have barely have changed in many respects. Shockingly also, that many women actively do not wish for things to do so, and behave as such… I certainly did not think, that behaving respectful towards women, that this is rarely appreciated, but that much of the time, this may actually count against you…
I would be glad of any assistance with any of these issues, from anyone of any gender of course?
